Taming Your Tongue: Faith-Filled Tips to Control Anger

I have an anger problem. There. I said it. Unbecoming, huh? It’s kind of embarrassing to admit, especially as a woman. It’s not usually women who have a short fuse, right? Isn’t that a man’s problem?

I’m guessing if you’ve stumbled upon this page, anger is something you’re having a hard time with, too. It’s so hard to control! Especially when you’re exhausted, running on fumes, and your husband let you down.. again. I mean, he deserves to be yelled at when he’s constantly forgetting things or not pulling his weight around the house or when you have to ask your kids to do something for the 100th time. Right?

Wrong. But I KNOW it’s hard. Trust me, I GET it.

Let’s stop here for a second. I want to make this VERY clear. I am not an expert in anger management (although you’d think I would be, seeing as how I have a degree in counseling). No, I’m very much writing this as I’m in the valley, trying to find my way through.

However, God has been working on my heart and my tongue lately and I’ve seen major progress in my ability to regulate my emotions, manage my anger, and control my tongue. And I want to share with you. Because if He can help me — a chronic name-caller, voice raiser, and top- blower — I KNOW He can help you, too.

First, let’s answer a basic question.

Is it bad to be angry?

Absolutely not! Jesus got angry with people throughout His life. We see time and time again in the Bible when Jesus gets seriously frustrated with His disciples because they just aren’t grasping what He’s saying. They are often so worried about themselves and have an “earthly” mindset that they don’t actually understand what Jesus is saying to them.

It’s okay to be angry, but it’s what we DO when we are angry that’s the hang up.

When Jesus was frustrated with the disciples for having to explain something to them AGAIN, did He scream at them and call them “annoying”? No. I bet He didn’t even roll His eyes (chronic eye roller, over here, too. oops). Screaming, name calling, eye rolling… it’s all disrespectful and hurtful.

Instead of blowing our top, we need stop, regulate, and renew.

So when your husband forgot to take the trash out again, instead of immediately blowing up at him and telling him he doesn’t do anything to help out around the house, you need to stop.

Stop and say a quick prayer — “God, give me Your peace and control my tongue”.

Then, regulate. Take a deep breath (or a few) and tell yourself to remain calm. Proverbs 29:11 says it best: “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man quietly holds back”. I highly recommend memorizing this verse — trust me, it comes in handy at a time like this.

After you’ve stopped and regulated, it’s time to renew your mind (Romans 12:2). Let’s stop and think about a few things.

1. What’s true?

   1. Does your husband really not help out with anything around the house? Or does he do more than you think (empty the dishwasher, mow the lawn, fill up the water softener, etc..)? In a moment like this, I know it FEELS like he doesn’t do anything — you do a lot, you’re overwhelmed, and he forgot to do this AGAIN. But I would guess that it’s probably not true that he does absolutely nothing around the house.

2. How would what I want to say make the other person feel?

   1. Let’s think about this.. if you told your husband in a moment of anger, “oh my gosh, how could you forget this again?! You don’t ever remember to take the trash out! You know that the trash is picked up on Tuesdays and now we’ve missed it! You’re so unreliable. The kids need to see a better example so that they can learn to be responsible and not turn out like you!”

   2. Ouch. That stings just writing it. Partially because I know it would hurt someone’s feelings, and partially because I’ve said a similar string of words to my husband. Not fun to admit. What do you think your spouse took away from that little rant? Probably that he’s a bad father, bad example, bad husband, and that he can’t do anything right. I know it may “feel good” in the moment to really let him have it, but is it really worth it to belittle him and make him feel terrible about himself (whether it be something small like taking out the trash or something bigger)? Heads up, the answer is no.

3. What can I say instead?

   1. Let’s stick with the forgetful husband example. Before you think of a way to express your frustration in a gentler way, think about who you are talking to. He is a human being, with real emotions, who cares about what you think about him (whether you realize it or not). Within his tough exterior, I can guarantee he has a soft spot and is truly hurt when you speak to him in such a harsh way. Thinking about him in this way will also help you soften your heart towards him and help speak to him with a little more kindness.

   2. So now, let’s reword that statement… “Hey, I know you also have a lot on your mind and we both are overwhelmed with things, please just try to remember to take the trash out next week.”

I bet this response goes over better in your house than the first one. And let’s be real. Mistakes happen. We’re human. We aren’t perfect. So we shouldn’t expect other people to be. when others are letting us down or hurting us in some way, WE need to be the ones to take control of our emotions before anger gets in the way.

I’ll leave you with this. For this week only, I want you to focus on two things: Read your Bible and pray for 5 minutes. That’s it. God WILL show up for you and start a new work in you. I truly believe that.

If we were in person right now, I’d wrap my arms around you and give you a big hug. I know this is hard. It doesn’t feel good when we’re angry. I know from years of experience. But you CAN overcome this and I’d love to walk through this with you.

God, I lift up my sister reading this right now. She’s hurting and lost and needs Your help. I ask you to give her peace in times of stress and upset. Help her to renew her mind and focus on You. Help her to control her emotions and tame her tongue. You give wisdom to those who ask for it and I ask that you show her how to stay calm each day. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

You got this girl. And I’m right here with you. Truly. If you’re struggling with this, please email me or message me on Instagram. I’d love to talk things through with you and be a support for you. I know this is hard, but it’s easier walking through hard things with friends.

Love you, friend.

K.